Go on the trip and have a drink while youre at it. In fact, it has been a trying fifteen . Of course, were all operating with limited info, and (lets be honest) a natural inclination to cme to the defense of an AAM reader/writer.. (In 1989 there was 24-hour keno in practically every restaurant.). LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. Trotting out the results of a bogus survey is classic manipulation, in many sectors. Ill be finding myself an apartment when I get back from Vegas. This is about control. Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. I also am a pretty straight laced married woman whos been in the same committed relationship for two decades and most of those trips were without my partner. This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. hahahah! Just last night I got home around sunset to find my wifes car in the driveway, the garage door open, all the lights off, and the house still and quiet. Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. This educational content is not medical or diagnostic advice. Post author By ; impossible burger font Post date July 1, 2022; southern california hunting dog training . On another note, with the amount of cameras in Vegas, kidnapping or any other untoward act would be fairly difficult if youre staying in populated areas. Him: I ignored it. My grandmother pays for the trip. My anxiety would destroy her ability to enjoy herself, and thats not fair of me. You could rent a car, though, and see lots of great places Hoover Dam, Boulder City, Red Rock Canyon, drive around Lake Mead, drive through Death Valley, go to Scottys Castle, just drive down to Jean and Primm and back for the heck of it (we did that several times when we lived there), Mt. fractured ending scene; harold bornstein obituary cause of death; can you play volleyball with a torn acl; gambar teguh sugianto. If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! Sure there used to be a lot of strip joints, etc., but now the most naked people are in the Cirque shows, and they just look naked. This is part of your JOB. Or get off? It totally IS. I dont think hed bring up that the majority of people he asked thought he was wrong. Bringing your spouse along on a work trip only works some of the time, and it definitely doesnt work if the spouse has already exhibited controlling behavior. PS: My third period class, mostly high-functioning autism cases, is split. You have three options in how to proceed: (1) You could say no to the trip (a week off can be just impossible to coordinate these days! Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! Yet he says he would not even go without me. Close Menu. Hehesitated, but agreed.Onthe third day ofthe vacation, his parents, brothers, and their spouses were all sitting atatable outside whileI was preparing afruit salad. There are some cultures where marriage is really about the blending of two families. of course im very careful around others who drink and make it a point to be responsible and not get carried away, kwim? They are for sure marketing themselves as a place you can party it up (and you certainly can do that) but again, thats not unwholesome in and of itself. It may not be, in this case. (also, the remedy would normally be that both the wife and husband go to Vegas, not that the husband bans the business trip), I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple.. I know this is a long-shot, but anyone else think theres a real chance that this is the employee from this thread: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html? Im betting its either a case of asking leading questions, an over-reporting of the amount of agreement received, or hearing more agreement than was actually being expressed on the part of OPs husband. Mothers anxious overprotectiveness would have destroyed me (and my relationship with her) if Id let it limit my life the way she wanted to (in the moment, when she was anxious). I dont know, I think you are underestimating how the Internet has magnified the echo chamber effect. Its probably rooted in a sexist view and I dont know who hes talking to everyone objects to their partners going because thats insane. You can use this space to go into a little more detail about your company. They might feel left out or unimportant. oceans apart 3 teile gratis. They have to want to change. No amount of marriage counseling will fix controlling. I have a friend now who Ill maybe mention that he is going to a business thing and he will badger me where is he? Breadwinner isnt necessarily sole provider. My ex used to pick up stupid little fun jobs part-time while he was going to college, while I was working full time and also going to college. Sometimes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas because it was incredibly boring, like three days of being in windowless conference rooms. Illogical or inappropriate behaviors like this are not always a sign of mental illness and mental illness is not an excuse to be controlling or abusive, EVER. So all the brothel skits on Reno 911 were a lie? The no Go Fish rule was not present in my home, but I was told to respect the kidss parents whod made that rule and abide by it around those kids, because the rule seemed a reasonable difference between my parents and theirs (rather than wholly bizarre). On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. Best of luck to you, LW. He can express an opinion at most. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. Yup. See some shows, enjoy some good food, go on a nice hike. Your man doesnt have much of an opinion of you, does he? In either case, I should have ended it. The following photos show exactly what can go wrong when you try to take a family photo. I cordially dislike Vegas. Ha, my team at Exjob traveled all the time (consultants) and they said the only thing good about it was the FF miles and points. Good luck! I dont know, maybe other people are able to work through this kind of thing, but I couldnt. Las Vegas is not my favorite place ever because I dont love big crowds or gambling, but its just a city. I hope you find a guy who does that for you. And, damn, every time I hear about kidnapping, it seems to be in Ohio or Mississippi, not places considered hotbeds of crime in US pop culture. update: how can I turn down training requests from my clients? He does worry about my safety. That doesnt mean I believe totally that hubby polled everybody and reports the results fairly, but it really doesnt have to be an indication that he ignored a local majority to find like-minded people. The duration of the vacation. On a larger scale, I see a couple of concerning things here. Its either anxiety or abuse, or both, or neither; and none of those things address the husbands *behaviour* or the OPs next steps. Which is actually one of the reasons why I think this is not just a control issue. All rights reserved. Likewise, but I was in Hyattsville, Md. It doesnt have to be automatically a negative-value-weighted word (which is admittedly hard for me to do because of my own bad background with a controlling culture and religion) but on the flip-side, I think we should not give cultural differences veto power to prevent us from calling out specific and tally-able patterns of behaviors that some people see as personal red flags or interpersonal deal-breakers. We were in that stage of "dating" where we wanted to do everything together, only he didn't fly and didn't really enjoy travel. Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. At least, not something like this, which is a very normal part of having a job. Whether he is abusive, controlling, insecure, or driven by unmanageable anxiety we dont know. When people ask me why, I reply that I dont drink, gamble, or enjoy naked women, so theres little to attract me there aside from some pretty good food, which I can get anywhere. Hes worrying that someone might hurt her, too. Lets just say that the memo made it clear that there WAS going to be a LOT of partying of all sorts. When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. Yes some people are probably going to jump all over me but let's be realistic here. My husband wants to bring his mother on our European vacation. That much concern/lack of trust that his wife is going to go off and cheat on him because of what city shes in smells like projecting to me. Its not a geographic nexus of evil or on a Hellmouth or anything, cmon! Companies hold meetings in Vegas because there are tons of conference rooms, hotel rooms, and restaurants, and its easy to get a direct flight there from virtually anywhere in the country, not because there is some bizarre motive to break up marriages or cause scandals among employees. My knee-jerk reaction was to say, you dont dictate where I go, I was just out for a walk, for Chrissakes. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. On which I shared my personal experience and directed to resources where these be explored further. within arms range. Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. Could also be a mix of the two, or something nobody has thought of yet. Actually, it would be easy for my husband to find someone who shares these views. Two birds one stone! And yeah, they probably need some counseling, and people often start off with Marriage counseling before moving on to individual counseling *on advice of their counselor*! Either way, its important for both ofyou tocommunicate about such animportant issue sothat things dont escalate further than necessary. Some people get really over the top anxious about things like this such that it becomes its own problem, maybe even more of an independent factor than the sexism thing (which kind of compounds it because its a societal trope that reinforces some of what would otherwise seem more out there on the face of it). But theres no need to snark at me for making/agreeing with a suggestion. Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. She acted like she wasnt married. Thanks! By in linseneintopf mit kartoffeln. Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. (except those gun dangers present everywhere in the US.). His friends also wouldnt let their wives go? Scheduled calls are a great idea. I find her a little insane in terms of worrying. That shows lack of trust in me, and thats no bueno. Did they make the decision she would be the primary breadwinner or is it something that came out of him losing his job or having a job that doesnt pay as much as hers? Okay. FYI: I mean crazy in a flippant sense not as an insult to any mental health issue. OP, we can all surmise the reasons for his behavior as much as we want to, but this sounds like something you and your husband should work out together in counseling (or separately in counseling, if that appeals more to him.) This is stuff you gotta ask yourself. If you bring consoling up, will he go? If you do this, he will *hate* it; I did, and so did my Mother, when I started doing this. Unlike other cities where the hotels and expo centers are spread apart dotted in among the rest of the city, the downtown area was basically built for tourists/travelers. Everything he is afraid of is very very unlikely to happen and no more likely to happen in Vegas than any other city. Its like some people dont realize that it takes two people to have a relationship. Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. Which update is that? Him trying to get her to conform to a cultural norm that shes rejecting isnt necessary toxic, but just because its somebodys culture doesnt mean they get to impose it on others. Oh, every election season angry people show up at 538 to explain that a poll of their social group shows 100% agreement with OP on everything, and so clearly the official polls are generated by a Vast Conspiracy. My mom cancelled their first date and was always busy when he tried to reschedule until she finally gave in. But theres no letting about it. My husband and I sat way in the back and giggled through the whole show. Choosing your career over your marriage is only possible when your husband turns a normal business situation into an ultimatum. Create an account or log in to participate. But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! You are one strong person, and thanks for sharing your story! But I do agree that its extremely possible the OPs husband is, consciously or unconsciously, skewing the results in his favor. Actually those are not the only two choices. I agree that the OP should not even consider not going on the trip. Certainly the OP needs to be careful with couselors. As Allison said, people travel for work all the time. I remember when I was young, if my mom went out to run errands and said shed be back at 4 and it was 4:15 I would panic. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. It doesnt take the anxiety away, but it seemed to dull some of the crazier bits. Couples counseling is also useful for people with issues that make them disposed to try to please and/or look from approval from their therapist. Los Vegas is known more for shows and EDM festivals than anything else these days. I have one. http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. We did it almost two weeks ago and it took about 14 hours, and now we're headed home. My wife has said that the best way to think about it is that theres a problem with how I view things. I dont know about gambling but partying? The Rio does have huge rooms! 4. Who the hell lies about going on vacation with family while simultaneously depriving you of a partner, coparent, and also seeing your own family. And it ignores other possible explanations. And he needs to understand that his fears are his to manage, no matter where they are coming from. I might also take your friends statement a step further, and point out that hes the one making your marriage adversarial. For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. Sometimes, when a spouse accuses you of cheating out of thin air, its because they themselves are cheating, and now they see it everywhere else as a coping mechanism for justifying their own behavior. my boss told me not to give greeting cards to older men because it could seem sexual, my coworker's husband is texting me and blaming me for their divorce, https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html, my manager and coworker are secretly dating, boss will never give exceeds expectations because he has high standards, and more, update: I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired, stolen sandwiches, disgusting fridges, dish-washing drama: lets talk about office kitchen mayhem, interviewer scolded me for my outfit, job requires an oath of allegiance, and more, update: a DNA test revealed the CEO is my half brother and hes freaking out, my entry-level employee gave me a bunch of off-base criticism. Its possible, though, that he really is controlling. But I believe that talking it out in clear terms is step one, at least. This concern is not about risk of harm, it is about trust in your judgment. This was my impression as well lodging, food, and entertainment is easy to get in Vegas, and (I would imagine) relatively less expensive than, say, a retreat in Napa. Marriage counseling is the only way you save this. Counseling is the best and most realistic option for helping him get into a healthy head space. My husband knows I am a lone soul sometimes and love my exciting career. This was pre cell phone so it meant finding payphones. OP this is the kind of thing Id bring up in therapy what you will do and what you will NOT do. Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. There are few things worse than insisting that your partner go to therapy, and then having them misrepresent the situation and use therapy to validate themselves. If the boundaries within a family are so entangled (by normative American standards), it really is an asset to the couple when their partner has the skills to navigate those extended relationships. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. I would think about whether this fits in a pattern of other bad behavior. Because setting some reasonable limits is part of that. I dont think youre going to be able to use logic or rational arguments to rid him of any fears. thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. They plan conferences there because its generally inexpensive, tons of rooms and restaurants, and its extremely easy to get aroundno real need for ground transportation besides getting to and from the airport. Ive also gone on holiday with my mum and my grandmother for a week or two at a time. There is almost always an office, a security guard, etc. I think youre right, but it really needs to be highlighted up top: a lot of people tend to think that couples counseling is for us issues, and this is 100% a him issue. Can you tell mewhat todo?Maya. Please specify a reason for deleting this reply from the community. Im not going to be lured into seedy underworld just because its there! Hed get support from his friends and family. You also really have to go because youre the primary breadwinner in the family. AND that a little drinking and dancing and playing roulette (pick your game), or even a LOT of drinking and dancing and playing roulette, which is what many people do is Las Vegas, is not a particularly scandalous thing to many people. Anxiety is also a real possibility and I hate how offhandedly its been dismissed in most comments. Period. But he needs to sit down, fix a drink (I prefer Earl Grey, YMMV), and look at his actions and the state of his marriage. Whether hes choosing them consciously or not, hes certainly trying to use them as a weapon to manipulate his wife into doing what he wants. She and I have spoken about it, in part because I travel without my husband a lot, including to family stuff. And in really any city, conference facilities are going to be near entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference, because thats the nature of the city. Any evening events they go to are as likely as not to just be parties. Yes, but even then, not a spouses authority to decide if hubby/wife can go on a trip, business or otherwise. Answer (1 of 74): I can explain this with a story, which is below, but basically - you can't change someone else. Couples counseling may be useful but controlling spouses are sometimes effective manipulators and in those situations couples counseling is a terrible idea. Thats exactly what Im doing right now too and it will be so much better when I dont have to justify the work trip to my husband and I dont have to pander to his unfounded insecurities. I cant recall exactly how they recommended to handle it, but it started with asking the spouse about what exactly they feared and coming to a compromise that would address the fear. For example, I dont gamble and drugs, etc have no appeal. Being in Vegas to me would be about eating at fancy restaurants, doing the neon lights tour, etc. Friend: Uh-huh. Plenty to do in Vegas besides gambling and shows! When one person in the relationship suggests separate vacations, one of three things happens. I called home from a pay phone on the street around 10pm UK time and she freaked out because I was outside, at night, with nobody around who knew me! Is this a relationship problem that could be remedied with counseling? I hope they can find a solution. I did a big expo in Ocean City during the Spring everything was still closed, I spent a good chunk of it setting stuff up, taking stuff down, and generally stuck in a hotel and the only fun I had was going to a few restaurants and walking on the beach for half an hour. And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. He framed it as concern for my safety but it was really about control. Hahahaha! She needs to act on whats happening, and then maybe delve into the why with AAMs excellent advice. Perhaps its Vegass advertising being really effective with him, or perhaps its something larger. Sure, but then the question would be my boss wants me to go on a business trip but I have a new baby/my spouses parent is seriously ill/my house just flooded and I need to deal with insurance/whatever, how should I ask my boss if I can get out of it. That option smacks of trying to make OP appease her husband and HIS issues and that is icky. Thats not out of reluctance to let either one out of their sights, but more because when they have the choice to be together, they will be together, and when its unavoidable, they make do as best they can. Vegas isnt a magical dimension. My feeling is that hes coming up with post-facto, emotionally triggering justifications for something that has absolutely no basis in any rational apprehension of reality. 7. OPs husbands response is way out of line for a normal response. If it's something you really want to do, then I'm sure you can make it work, but it won't be easy. but it was the backbone of learning to manage anxiety. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. One of my best friends took his family (2 very young children) to Vegas, and they had a great time. He had experienced previous panic attacks on flights, hated the "cattle type" travel experience, and at 6'2+ was uncomfortable in the tiny airplane seats. I have a friend that refuses to go to Vegas because he believes its the modern Sodom and Gomorrah. ), but she saw danger everywhere. And you will regret it even more if your marriage ends and you put yourself in a worse position just to appease irrational fears. I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. On every occasion, he made rules like I could never go anywhere alone and I had to call him at a specific time every day. A good couples counselor who can handle the individual issues after using the couple-relationship to establish a good rapport with an individual who is resistant to treatment in a traditional one-on-one setting is not a bad way to start tackling these issues, and has the added bonus of giving the OP an opportunity to select a therapist she trusts. I firmly believe in the dont be a dipshit rule of travel, and it has served me well. Maybe you call once a day in the evening to say hi, but otherwise tell him youre not going to be responding to messages, because youre busy with work. I agree. Say to yourself something like, I am not a therapist, and even if I were, it would be unethical and impossible for me to treat someone Im in a relationship with. Theres a lot of pressure on family to be carers and therapists and *everything* someone needs its not possible, its often harmful give yourself permission to skip that mess. Maybe this has been mentioned already (I started skimming when all the comments were the same OUTRAGE) but, would it be possible for your husband to come with you on this trip? She comes back with cool stories and we have something to talk about besides work and whats for dinner. Husband and I live three hours away from Vegas. My only regret about that trip was that it was so last-minute I couldnt get a ticket for my boyfriend, who has never been to Vegas and would have also enjoyed wandering through the hotels and playing a few slots for the free drinks. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. Thank you for sharing this. I mean, we really cant say from the letter which it is, but its so easy to read into it either anxiety or controlling/toxic depending on what weve personally experienced. Agreed. Seriously. I agree. I second counseling. Another option is to share infowhen you get there take a picture of where you are stayingshow the agenda, let him know what you are doing, check in at the end of the night. OP will just run herself ragged reinforcing his fears. What happens in Vegas was a successful ad campaign that ran its course a long time ago, not a requirement for how to treat the trip. And Hunter Thompson and Oscar Acosta are dead anyway.
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